The day the old merged with the new..

Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life

I wake next to a beautiful sleepy soul...the feeling of joy inside and a smile upon my face...get up, start my morning coffee...
sneak a few more moments next to that beautiful soul that kept me safe and warm in his arms all night...

Pour myself a cup of coffee with the "right" kind of creamer...the sun is shining bright and beautiful...life itself is beautiful at this very moment...how could it not be when, for the first time in so very long you feel as though someone could fill that huge void in your life...

Sitting at the end of the dock I take in all the beauty life is bringing. The sun kisses my face...the wind dances with my hair...sip that perfect cup of coffee...watch the fishes swim beneath me...and think of the one who has brought a smile back to my face. I want to put a smile on his...share the happiness he has brought into my life with him.

I take a walk...in search of some daisies...and there I find some...missed by the evil mowers...rescue the daisies, find some pretty pink sweet peas to go with them...wildflowers in hand I head back to wake him. Walking along the porch I am suddenly startled by something at eye level...it's him, peeking around the corner! Just seeing this handsome face makes me smile.

Out in the canoe we go to soak up the glorious sunshine and some of the beauty life carries. It is so quiet and peaceful you can just relax right into the world around you. Watching into the water for every glimpse of nature you can capture...the fishes, the turtles...the underwater landscape. Beautiful yellow flowers are beginning to appear within the lily pads.

Later we play around the dock...I watch him as he so seriously looking goes about fixing the docks character...work up enough courage to finally get my body into the water...cold...yet exhilarating...mmmmm...I just wanna swim! The weeds were a bit much for this moment...tis been awhile...it all comes back to you though. The thousands of memories of playing in the water n weeds n muck n goooo...hehe

Back on the dock I lay and let the sun warm my body...and the wind dry my hair. We sit together, legs dangling over the edge into the water letting the fishes kiss our feet. Not really saying much...but...did we need to fill the silence with talk? Isn't just sharing the moment and enjoying the presence of someone enough? Enough to make a beautiful lasting memory...engraved upon your heart forever...Sit by the fire...watching the flames and the coals as they sizzle...share a few memories...lay and watch the stars together just enjoying the presence of the other...the day ends just as it began...next to a beautiful sleepy soul, safe and warm in his arms.

This whole day brought many memories from the past to the surface...I gave them no options of holding me back...the old merged with the new experiences of the day...new memories of things I have enjoyed in the past...a new more vibrant smile upon my face and joy inside my heart.

Pennies In Funny Places

31 Mar 2007


pennies in funny places
Current mood: amused
Category: Parties and Nightlife

So anyone that knows me well knows that I have taken up this silly habit of picking up pennies where ever it is I go...if theres a penny laying there I pick it up...

Sometimes I even find nickels, dimes & quarters...even found a dollar or two over the past three years...LOL once in awhile I find some interesting object laying there and pick that up too...sometimes not very interesting objects also. I have a lil flower pot that I keep these items and coins in...

My collection consists of several nails and screws along with a nut...dont want anyone driving over them and getting a flat tire...i have a lil broken plastic piece from what must have been a hair tie, it has pretty lil flowers inside...there is an orange plastic letter O...a strange pic lookin thing that is the shape of an r and it is kinda sharp and dangerous lookin...I have a part of someones GR plastic letters off their car...half of a key...and someones lost earring...along with many pennies a few nickels, dimes and I think someone has confiscated my quarters...grrrr

It doesnt really matter where it is that I am...if I see a penny (or other interesting object that catches my eye) I pick it up. It doesn't even matter if it is heads up or tails!

So, the funniest place I ever picked up a penny...LMAO...was on the dance floor at the bar one nite...and yes, my friend pointed it out to me just as it had caught my eye also...and she was laughing as she pointed it out. I don't think she really thought that I would actually pick it up. But I did. And we were sorta laughing about it...however that isn't the really funny part of it...the funniest part is the fact that there was yet another penny laying on the floor and just as it caught my eye and I was about to pick it up, some guy stepped exactly in that spot...I waited a moment for him to move, however he seemed to want that particular place on the floor...

I smiled at him a couple of times while my friend and I were trying to contain our laughter...she KNEW I was going to pick up this penny...And I did! I gently placed my hands on his shoulders, smiled sweetly at him moved him slightly to the side, leaned down, picked up the penny and then politely put him back in his spot...I think he may have been a bit confused....hehe

for ocular use only & not for injection or oral use...??

Current mood: confused
Category: Blogging

Now...I am pretty certain that I am intelligent enough to know that
WARNING: "not for oral use" means...
DO NOT PUT THIS IN YOUR MOUTH!
And generally I comply with these instructions...afterall...I have never really had an intense desire to know what eyedrops taste like!
And what would really be the adverse reaction if I were to decide to put a couple drops on my tongue just to find out?
At the current moment however I AM wondering if they would have tasted better had I put them in my mouth rather than into my eyes where I believe it is they are "supposed" to go!
Sitting here drinking my morning cup o coffee...I suddenly have this horendous taste in my mouth! ARGH! EWWW...this is NOT what my coffee should taste like......ohhhh no no no...and then I realize that I have "eyedrops" in my mouth!!!HOLY CRAP!
I did put them into my eyes where I am "supposed" to and they have run down through my nose and into my throat! And here I sit spitting out nasty tasting eyedrops! But...they are NOT for oral use! Do not put this in your mouth!
What IS the point of that so called WARNING???
Next time...perhaps I shall just put a couple o drops on my tongue or into my cup o coffee...perhaps they will taste better without having run through the salty SNOT in my nasel cavity...HA! That'll help eh?

Rambling of the sleepless mind.......

Current mood: frustrated
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

My mind is twisting and turning every which way! I don't know what to think or what to say about the hundreds of thoughts flitting about inside here...thoughts and questions and worries...ohhhh my!
I worry that I shall repeat a past mistake...I am scared of hurting again...I want to know things that only time can answer...My mind could drive me crazy with all this stuff going on in here.
I need to keep my feet on the ground! I need to focus on what I want for my life, where I want my life to go. I need to focus on my own well-being, my happiness within, who I am and how I want to be! I cannot allow things to distract me in a manner that is unhealthy for me.
I want to feel the feelings I have that are waiting to get out...but cannot! I must keep them under control! For if I do not it could turn into a past mistake! I worry that someone keeps things from me thinking I won't understand or that it will make me turn away from them. I wish they knew how hard I have worked to accept people as they are...for who they are...all that they are!
When I give my love...it is unconditional! I do not put conditions on my love for someone. Either I love them or I don't!
Even when asked "why" I loved someone...I could not find a specific reason. And I don't "want" to! I can say things that I like/love about a person however I could also say things that I dislike about a person! This does not make me love them more or less!
I think about the future...what does it hold? Will life ever really feel good? Will I ever really "feel" and "know" that I am loved? Will I ever truely be able to trust someone with my heart and my life ever again? Will I ever find anyone who can and will love me just a little more than someone else once did?
I wonder...Will I find that one man...who makes my life more complete...the one who I wake next to every morning and smile just because I love him and know he loves me just as much...like waking with the sun shining on my face...the one who just lying next to him makes me fall asleep with that smile on my face...just looking into his eyes lets me know "he's the one" forever...whose very presense makes me content...the one that the touch of his hands lets me know he will catch me when I "fall" in love with him? Or have I? Or is all of that too unrealistic? Only a fantasy or a dream? Can it really happen? Does love like that even exist? Or am I just crazy?
I wonder about reaching the rest of my goals that I set for myself...I have been slacking. I need to get refocused on this...get back to work at it! I know I can do it...I just have to set my mind to it...one thing I have learned is that I can do "anything" I set my mind to!!! I worry to much about failing when I should be worrying about being successful! I need to make myself do the things I know it is I must do even though I am scared to death of doing them. I need to remember to be "bold", don't hesitate...no "guts", no "glory"!!!!!
I must remember every day to eat, sleep and breath....and stop thinking and worrying and questioning so damn much!!!!

In reference to...Oh Snap's Take on Love...

Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships

Okay so...first...what IS love actually??? Here we have our definition(s) of that big L word...and what apparently someone has devised that love really is...
We have it as a noun (which i shall take this means it is some "thing")
and we also have it as a verb (which means there should be "action") so when someone "says" they love you, yet never takes a step toward acting upon this thing, shouldn't one question thier affection or desire...???

ummm...yeahhhh!

NOW

They could mean they have a very strong affection or intense feeling of tender affection and compassion for/toward you...
or
They could be passionately attracted to you and desire/wish to be with or to have you romantically...(but for how long...haha...there is the Q)
or
They could just love you very much...even perhaps romantically (which still don't explain a damn thing!)
or
We have a romantic affair (haha...possibly sexual) ooookayyy now...is this "really" love??? And does it really explain it anymore...I don't think so!!
then
We have a strong liking for or pleasure gained from something...hmmm....

DAMN...perhaps we should throw the f'n dictionary out! No wonder people are so damned confused as to "what LOVE actually is"...we have all these dumbass definitions here...and come on now...I realize that love has its different levels...obviously you wouldn't love your spouse in the same manner as your children nor them in the same manner as your parents etc, etc, etc...of course!!! But, isn't that just common sense???

I myself have never thought that love had a damn thing to do with sex...but...perhaps I am mistaken...(according to some definitions anyway)
sexual attraction comes into play somewhere along the way when you "love" a person at the romantic level, yes...however I don't believe that it belongs in the "definition" of love...

Isn't love more on a spiritual plane...??? Something you can't really touch but yet you can give and recieve??? Just like any other "feeling" you have inside of you...???

I believe love arrives in different ways...it can take its sweet time or be at first sight...yes...Love is a disease...it can creep up on you...or hit you like a f'kn truck!
Love is something unconditional...you cannot put a price on it...you cannot say I will love you if only you comply with what I want from you...thats not love! Thats a control issue! So stop trying!
Love is not a faucet that you can turn on and off as you please...its either there or its not...and you cannot just make it go away! So, if you have it and they want it...why do you keep it?
Love is an attraction to someone or something...it comes from inside you...from your soul...not from your physical heart or from your brain...it is much deeper than that...
Sometimes it is intense...sometimes very passionate...

Yes...this is what love is....an intense enthusiasm for something or someone!! Perhaps passion describes love more so than love describes itself...

When you are loved (i'm saying romantically) you become the object of somebody..s intense interest or enthusiasm...
heh...thats "passion"!!!
And I'm pretty certain that if this is so...love knows no boundaries...no obstacle in this world will keep someone from you if they "TRUELY" love you!!!
AND sex just isn't involved! That's just a bonus desire that pops in there!

BOY HAVE I BEEN A STUPID GIRL!!!

i'm goin back to bed now!!! geesh! i really should listen to Dr. Phil better!
and remember that if someone really loves me...they are gonna get to me no matter "what" it takes...if they "truely" love me...ain't nothin gonna stop em!!!

Good night!

you shouldn't give it if your gonna take it back!!!

They say...(i'm not exactly sure who they are) that love finds you when you least expect it...when youre NOT looking...and I believe this is true...infact I know it is true it has happened to me...just when I get comfortable with me and being alone someone has to pop into my life and screw it all up for me!!! And yes...they screw it up...cuz then my focus goes from loving life and the beauty it holds to wanting to give all my love to someone...and the beauty I was seeing in life seems to diminish because for some reason the person gives me thier love in a most beautiful way...then they get scared...and they take it back!!!! People should not give me thier love if they are not going to let me keep it!!! Almost six months ago I was loving life...enjoying the beauty everywhere I went...content with myself and being alone...and then it happened to me...and my head has been all mixed up since then...my heart hurts everyday all because someone gave me thier love and then took it back...and I have been severely affected by it...so much that I am beginning to feel I dont ever wanna love again...and thats just not me...I wanna love...I don't want to be like all those people out there who wont let someone love them because they have been hurt too many times...but that is where I feel I am heading...or maybe at the moment I am just feeling I dont really want to love anyone else except that particular person...I dont know...I see this wall going up around me...and I am almost content with letting it be there...
I do know I just want to give my love to someone that will give thiers and never take it away!

residue of negativity and feelings of depression

I have built in radar...and everyone I know has a detector!

I work all day and I'm exhausted...I sit here in my chair falling asleep
I cannot lay down and nap
for when I do the phone ironically rings...tis better to stay in the chair
I am home all day...nobody calls...as soon as I leave people start calling...
they leave rude messages because I don't answer my phone...
they don't even call for any purpose...
just to bitch in my ear and
leave me with a nasty residue of negativity
then wonder why it is I feel depressed
or just plain ole don't answer my phone

I do nothing for weeks...am near the phone alot...
it never rings...nobody needs or wants anything...
I call them...they don't call back...
the ones who do call only call to bitch in my ear
and leave me with more residue of negativity
then ask why I am depressed feeling
or why I don't return my messages

I make plans to do something on my days off
(in my head not even outloud)
the phone begins to ring and suddenly I am needed
as soon as any thoughts of doing something for myself flit from my head
the phone goes silent...

with a residue of negativity
and feelings of depression
I sit in my chair so I can nap
because
I have built in radar and everyone I know has a detector

Here I am...Awake again...

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Here I am...awake again...
Current mood: hungry


at 1am or 3am or 5am standin there with the refrigerator door wide open...wonderin what the hell it is i am looking for...
this happens sometimes in life...as i have noticed...
however i think i have finally figured out the reasoning behind it...
you wake up...thinkin your hungry...so...naturally you go to the refrigerator...
stand there...door wide open...starrin...feeling the need to feed....

however...what is it really that you need to feed?

My theory...YOUR SOUL!

your soul is hungry...being the reason you wake at odd hours of the night feeling an intense need for nourishment....perhaps nourishment for the body is not what you seek...perhaps it is nourishment for the soul you seek...a hunger that you cannot feed...so you end up eatting some strange off the wall concoction you create in the middle of the nite hoping to ease the hunger pains...

it is a hunger for something more in your life...
perhaps the hunger for a dream you have you have not pursued in the manner you need to...
perhaps the hunger for a love that you have not found or cannot have...
a hunger that lives much deeper than you imagine...

after eatting your strange mixture of various foods...
you return to your bed feeling the same hunger as when you woke...

Fiery Passion

Monday, September 25, 2006


Fiery Passion
Current mood: pensive
Category: Life

A Fiery Passionate Personality

I am very Passionate about My life...
something I was unable to express before...

Sometimes exciting, intense, and striking events happen in my life...emotionally involving...with gripping quality...some come with a startling suddenness...I embrace these moments...I feel my feelings with all I have inside of me...

Overpowering emotions...love, joy, hatred, or anger...whatever they may be at the given moment...

YES! I feel deeply and love fiercely!

I am strong...I am weak...steady and unstable...exciting and intense...enthusiastic...I can love...I can hate...

Just remember I tend to have strong feelings, especially of love, desire, or enthusiasm...and it is Who I Am!

A Fiery Passionate Personality!

Love in the Parking Lot!

June 12, 2006

LOVE in the parking lot!
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Romance and Relationships

I found LOVE in the parking lot today!
Twas shortly after Noon today while walking out to move my car...as I approached, I saw it...reflecting the beautiful rays of sunshine...LOVE! I picked it up...kept it with me all the day through...brought it home to cherish...forever thankful I will be for the LOVE I found today!
What a wonderful day indeed, the day you find LOVE in the parking lot!