you shouldn't give it if your gonna take it back!!!

They say...(i'm not exactly sure who they are) that love finds you when you least expect it...when youre NOT looking...and I believe this is true...infact I know it is true it has happened to me...just when I get comfortable with me and being alone someone has to pop into my life and screw it all up for me!!! And yes...they screw it up...cuz then my focus goes from loving life and the beauty it holds to wanting to give all my love to someone...and the beauty I was seeing in life seems to diminish because for some reason the person gives me thier love in a most beautiful way...then they get scared...and they take it back!!!! People should not give me thier love if they are not going to let me keep it!!! Almost six months ago I was loving life...enjoying the beauty everywhere I went...content with myself and being alone...and then it happened to me...and my head has been all mixed up since then...my heart hurts everyday all because someone gave me thier love and then took it back...and I have been severely affected by it...so much that I am beginning to feel I dont ever wanna love again...and thats just not me...I wanna love...I don't want to be like all those people out there who wont let someone love them because they have been hurt too many times...but that is where I feel I am heading...or maybe at the moment I am just feeling I dont really want to love anyone else except that particular person...I dont know...I see this wall going up around me...and I am almost content with letting it be there...
I do know I just want to give my love to someone that will give thiers and never take it away!

residue of negativity and feelings of depression

I have built in radar...and everyone I know has a detector!

I work all day and I'm exhausted...I sit here in my chair falling asleep
I cannot lay down and nap
for when I do the phone ironically rings...tis better to stay in the chair
I am home all day...nobody calls...as soon as I leave people start calling...
they leave rude messages because I don't answer my phone...
they don't even call for any purpose...
just to bitch in my ear and
leave me with a nasty residue of negativity
then wonder why it is I feel depressed
or just plain ole don't answer my phone

I do nothing for weeks...am near the phone alot...
it never rings...nobody needs or wants anything...
I call them...they don't call back...
the ones who do call only call to bitch in my ear
and leave me with more residue of negativity
then ask why I am depressed feeling
or why I don't return my messages

I make plans to do something on my days off
(in my head not even outloud)
the phone begins to ring and suddenly I am needed
as soon as any thoughts of doing something for myself flit from my head
the phone goes silent...

with a residue of negativity
and feelings of depression
I sit in my chair so I can nap
because
I have built in radar and everyone I know has a detector

Here I am...Awake again...

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Here I am...awake again...
Current mood: hungry


at 1am or 3am or 5am standin there with the refrigerator door wide open...wonderin what the hell it is i am looking for...
this happens sometimes in life...as i have noticed...
however i think i have finally figured out the reasoning behind it...
you wake up...thinkin your hungry...so...naturally you go to the refrigerator...
stand there...door wide open...starrin...feeling the need to feed....

however...what is it really that you need to feed?

My theory...YOUR SOUL!

your soul is hungry...being the reason you wake at odd hours of the night feeling an intense need for nourishment....perhaps nourishment for the body is not what you seek...perhaps it is nourishment for the soul you seek...a hunger that you cannot feed...so you end up eatting some strange off the wall concoction you create in the middle of the nite hoping to ease the hunger pains...

it is a hunger for something more in your life...
perhaps the hunger for a dream you have you have not pursued in the manner you need to...
perhaps the hunger for a love that you have not found or cannot have...
a hunger that lives much deeper than you imagine...

after eatting your strange mixture of various foods...
you return to your bed feeling the same hunger as when you woke...

Fiery Passion

Monday, September 25, 2006


Fiery Passion
Current mood: pensive
Category: Life

A Fiery Passionate Personality

I am very Passionate about My life...
something I was unable to express before...

Sometimes exciting, intense, and striking events happen in my life...emotionally involving...with gripping quality...some come with a startling suddenness...I embrace these moments...I feel my feelings with all I have inside of me...

Overpowering emotions...love, joy, hatred, or anger...whatever they may be at the given moment...

YES! I feel deeply and love fiercely!

I am strong...I am weak...steady and unstable...exciting and intense...enthusiastic...I can love...I can hate...

Just remember I tend to have strong feelings, especially of love, desire, or enthusiasm...and it is Who I Am!

A Fiery Passionate Personality!